How I Get My Children (and clients) to Stop Complaining

Last week I listened to a client complain about an employee who was acting like a victim.  She told me that he was normally a good worker, but that a change in direction and focus took place internally and this employee’s work was no longer perceived as “important.” In my client’s words: “he just couldn’t get over it and was acting like a child.”My client asked, “How can I move him through this?  I’m sick of hearing about it.” I inquired whether or not she had ever really listened to him. My client said, “Well, of course I have. I listen to him every damn day.”Just hearing the words isn’t the same as truly listening. The fastest way to get anyone (including yourself) “through” anything is to give it and them your full attention. Even if it drives you bananas.A few years back, a colleague taught me an exercise that I use with my kids called “Poor Baby.” When one of them is incessantly complaining (usually about something they can’t get or do), I sit down and listen to the complaint. After each complaint I sincerely say, “Poor baby.”  They voice another complaint and I respond, “Oh that’s a bummer. Poor baby.”  And so on until they’re done. Believe it or not, for an 8 and 5 year old, the cycle of complaining ends in about 5 minutes. Mostly because they get bored or start laughing. Can you guess what would happen if I didn’t give my complaining children those 5-minutes of undivided attention?  Yep, a long day of intermittent whining and a cranky mother.   No one wants that.When I encounter resistance in my clients, it’s a sign that some aspect of them has not been fully heard.  I then proceed with the intent to let that part have a voice. If I don’t, it will forever throw up roadblocks to our progress.  Not unlike a child’s tantrum.My client’s employee is a perfect example of this. The part of him that received value from the importance of his work was under attack.  That part of him was throwing a tantrum and it needed to be heard.  I encouraged my client to let go of some of her own frustration (by giving her “poor baby’s,” of course) in order to create space to offer the same to her employee.  And guess what happened?  After some good listening, my client and her employee moved back to feeling productive and happy.  Amazing what hearing someone out can do – whether child or adult.Being listened to is so close to being loved, that most people can't tell the difference. ~ David OxbergExperiment:  The next time you or someone close to you is “stuck” on something, try fully listening without judgment, without giving advice. You don’t have to say, “poor baby,” but who knows, it might help.