"Can I Make a Request?"

If you were a fly on the wall at our house, you would repeatedly hear me say to my children, “Please make a request.” It’s my response when they whine, demand, or otherwise attempt to manipulate a situation in order to get what they want. I usually follow up with “You’re more likely to get what you want when you make a clear request.” My husband and I use this tactic consistently and even after years of responding like this, we still find ourselves saying it almost daily. I didn’t know that they really “got it” – until recently.  A couple of weeks ago we were with extended family and talk of boyfriends and girlfriends came up. I happen to know there is a girl (let’s call her Susie) who has a crush on him. I know that when I say her name, it makes Ethan smile (and blush). In front of the family, I caught Ethan’s attention and said, “Susie”. His reaction was consistent. Thinking it was all in good fun, I left it at that and moved the conversation along.   I drove away from the party with two tired kids. For a brief while the car was silent until I heard Ethan say, “Mom, I have a request.”  I said, “Sure honey, what is it?” (Note: my heart was beating with joy simply because he said he had a request!) Then very clearly and confidently he said, “I would like it if you stopped saying ‘Susie’ to me in front of other people.”  The silence returned. Ethan let it hang in the air without a bit of further explanation. One powerful, articulate request that knocked my socks off. I apologized right away, acknowledged that I didn’t know I had embarrassed him, and promised it would never happen again. Then I thanked him for his courage. And that was it. A few minutes later he started a new conversation about Legos – clearly having moved on. But I did not...As I looked out the window of the ferry on the ride home, I realized my son had, yet again, led by example.  I felt the power of how cleanly he asked for what he wanted and it naturally made me look at how often I’m not quite so clean about getting what I want. I’ve been known to “justify” my needs before I make a request, engage in “adult” whining, or just downright demand what I want. You’d think I’d know better that none of those tactics are as powerful as simply making a request, just like Ethan did. So I’m practicing even now – making this one-sentence request: “Please may I not forget this lesson!”Experiment: The next time you find yourself wanting something from someone, imagine the cleanest, clearest way you could make a request. (This can usually be done in one (short) sentence.) As you imagine asking this of the person, notice what comes up for you. Do you want to defend yourself? Do you want to say a lot more than just one succinct sentence? Play with the idea of saying fewer words and, like Ethan, let the silence add even more weight to what you’ve just spoken.